


Love or duty?

by ChocoNut



Series: Many ways to say I love you [50]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: 8x4 missing scene post the Goodbye, Deviates From Canon, F/M, How it should have been, Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 09:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19765243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocoNut/pseuds/ChocoNut
Summary: Jaime rides away leaving Brienne behind, and the moment he leaves the gates, he's confronted by his thoughts. And he realizes "duty" could have another meaning.





	Love or duty?

_She’s hateful, and so am I…_

His hateful words kept ringing in his ears. Again, and again, and again, repeatedly torturing him, awakening the guilt and regret within him.

Jaime’s horse trudged along the snow-covered path, putting more distance between him and the gates with every step it took, every inch it moved ahead creating a void in his life nothing could ever fill. None could ever take the place of the woman he loved, not even his beloved sister, the woman he’d loved all his life until he had the good fortune to meet the one who truly loved him for who he was. His last words to Brienne continuously hurt his head like a thousand hammers pounding into him, the tears he’d held back within his eyes threatening to flow out, reminding him every second of the wrong he’d done the woman he’d pledged himself to many moons ago. He’d left her weeping in the cold, and these were her tears he could feel in his eyes, one as they were, in body, mind and soul.

 _Stay with me,_ she’d begged him, and he had refused to listen, smothering the cries of his bleeding heart, ignoring its pleas when he chose duty over love. 

_Duty, is it?_

Duty meant the death of love, it was commonly believed - or did it? And where, exactly, did his duty lie? Was duty any different from love where his life was concerned?

_Should I not honour the love I bear for the woman who chose to be mine many nights ago?_

Every moment he’d spent with her, every night in her arms, every touch, every kiss, every inch of her body - all of it was etched clearly in his mind, never to vanish, never to be forgotten. Every unspoken promise he’d made her would haunt him forever, until he breathed his last and beyond that, reminding him that they belonged together, of what they could have been had he not made this choice.

_Is she not mine, in every way possible, and I, hers?_

While he’d whispered sweet nothings in her ear all along those long passionate nights he had spent in her arms, punctuated by the million kisses he’d graced her body with, he had never once told her that he loved her. Such were his inhibitions, his lack of nerves preventing him from speaking his heart out, from telling her that he loved her.

_Is it not fair that I tell her how much I love her?_

And Brienne being the embodiment of selflessness, had never once demanded anything of him. She’d given herself to him unconditionally that night and for every night that came after, never once asking him what she meant to him. Not a single time did she ask for any commitment from him, nor did she expect any words of assurance that he would be hers forever.

Until a few minutes back, until he had, perhaps, committed the worst blunder of his life. 

Betrayal of love was far worse than betrayal of his oath to King Aerys, he now realized, and worse than that was the fact that the wench wasn’t even aware of how much he loved her.

_Is it right on my part to let her down - her love, her trust in me, everything she believed about me all these years?_

True, he’d pushed her away for her own good, for if he had confided in her about his real intention behind riding South, she’d have insisted on accompanying him. The protective instinct in her would never have permitted her to let him walk into the jaws of death by himself. It was her life he had wanted to safeguard, but in doing so, he had deprived her of the one thing she valued more than life itself - love - her unbounded love for him - the man the world, the side he’d chosen to fight for included, had shunned, the only person who loved her back.

_Is telling her the truth not the correct thing to do?_

And what about him? What significance did love have in his life? _The things I do for love,_ he’d always told everyone in the past, taking pride in even his most drastic actions. Was this terrible decision, then, the outcome of his love for Brienne? Deserting her because he feared for her life, feared that he might outlive her in the mad quest for the throne that neither of them had any interest in? What good was fighting others’ battles if they couldn’t live for each other? Granted, such a life would be shorter, but it would be a life worth it, far better than living through decades of loneliness - a fate he would be inflicting upon her by abandoning her tonight. She’d live without him, no doubt, but was that a life she wanted? Had he even bothered to give her that choice? 

_Is she not entitled to her decision? Is it not my duty to allow her that freedom?_

Duty meant going after Cersei, stopping her atrocities if he could, but duty _also_ demanded that he uphold his pledge to the wench, to listen to his heart. Brienne might die if she chose to walk by his side in the days to come, but she’d die happy, with him.

_So who am I to punish her with a lifetime of solitude if she wishes otherwise?_

He tugged at the reins, bringing his mount to a halt, taking a moment to re-think his move, to ponder if what he was about to do was the right thing or not.

_And how the hell can I take leave of her without telling her that I love her?_

Like a bolt of lightning from the heavens, it struck him all of a sudden. He had his answers. He knew what to do and where his duty lay. He wheeled the horse around, taking a turn towards where his destiny awaited him - in the arms of the woman he loved.

+++++

The door was ajar, and she sat on the bed, her face buried in her palms, crying, presumably, still grieving the loss of the man who’d left her, well, _almost_ left her.

“Brienne,” he uttered her name as he entered, apprehensive of how she’d receive him as he tentatively took each step towards her.

There came no reaction for a moment, and then she looked up. Her eyes were red and swollen, the tears still fresh on her cheeks. She looked like a wreck, a sorry state he had brought upon her, he realized, a fresh pang of guilt engulfing him.

“You came back,” she croaked, her voice hoarse from crying, getting to her feet as soon as he approached her.

“No matter how hard I try to abandon you, I fail,” Jaime admitted, tenderly caressing her face, wiping away her tears. “Old habits, wench,” he added, pressing his forehead to hers, “I never could leave you behind at Harrenhal, nor could I tonight.” 

“Why--” she began, but he stopped her, pressing his mouth wildly on hers, passion blinding him when he began kissing her like he’d never kissed anyone before. She felt like heaven, her lips more delicious than the sweetest honey he’d tasted, her tongue the familiar intoxication he’d been unable to stay away from all these days. He devoured her and she took him in, offering no resistance, but herself, instead, melting into him like she always did, her arms around his neck and her fingers gently ruffling through his hair.

 _This is how it should be,_ he decided, vowing never to leave her side again, kissing her harder as he felt her chest heave against his. 

She was his conscience, a part of his duty. She was his honour, his motivation to do the right thing. She was the love of his life and one of the most important reasons he desired a life.

“You were well away,” she asked him again when he’d reluctantly released her, “why come back?”

Jaime thought for a second. There was a lot he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted to hear, but the less important things could come later. The explanations could wait.

“Because I love you,” he told her, kissing her again, his answer the simplest possible confession he could manage.

**Author's Note:**

> I chose to have a "Jaime returns to Brienne" for my 50th fic in this series. Hope you enjoyed it.  
> And I deliberately decided to leave it open ended - whether Jaime decides to stay back in Winterfell, or if Brienne rides with him to take down Cersei is up to your interpretation :)


End file.
